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I Love Margaret Cho And So Should You
“But Emily,” u might question, “Why? Why should I like Margaret Cho? Bristol Palin doesn’t like Margaret Cho. There aren’t even any other tales on Evil Beet about her besides that one where Bristol Palin was a total homophobic brat to her, and another one where u just went on about how much u like her! I need reasons!”
Ok, ok, settle down and I’ll tell u why u should like Margaret Cho. U should like her because she’s the kind of girl who’s loud, obnoxious, but still so, so amusing. She’s the kind of girl who doesn’t hold back, who is incredibly genuine and likable. And she’s the kind of girl who gets tattoos on her ass, posts pictures of them on Twitter, and writes a touching, lovely blog entry when a couple of people make mean remarks about said ass. Check it out:
I have some wonderful new tattoos on my ass by the incredible Cris Cleen, who I like, and I posted a picture of them on twitter, which got many favorable comments but there were two negative ones, and I blew a f*cking gasket. I screamed out loud and tracked the perps down and blocked them, but not b4 really ramming it to them in the strongest language I could use. It was over the top and really kind of ridiculous, but I cannot help myself.
Some outside facebook observer said that my “language” was too much and told me that I had “lost a fan” because she couldn’t condone my “language”. I am sorry 4 that, as I like my fans, and it sucks to lose one, but obviously she doesn’t know that when u grow up the way that I did, with kids at school throwing rocks at my face because they despised it because it was so hideous to them and they wanted the blood from my wounds to cover it so it wouldn’t have to be seen and at summer camps stuffed dog shit in my sleeping bag because I was told time and again that I looked like shit – and that I had to empty myself in the dark forest and still sleep in smelling that shit all that night and 4 weeks after because my family was too poor to afford a new one, my “language” is on the strong side. I apologize 4 offending the former fan, but I am only myself. That is all I can be, and if I must apologize 4 that, I don’t mind. All I am trying to say is that no young girl should be told she is hideous. If she is, u kill her spirit, and she may grow up like me, and lose a fan.
I grew up hard and am still hard and I don’t care. I did not choose this face or this body and I have learned to live with it and like it and celebrate it and adorn it with tremendous drawings from the greatest artists in the world and I feel excellent and powerful like a nation that has never been free and now after many hard won victories is finally f*cking free. I am gorgeous and I am finally f*cking free.
I glide my flag of self esteem 4 all those who have been told they were hideous and stout and hurt and shamed and violated and abused 4 the way they look and told time and time again that they were ‘different’ and therefore unlovable. Come to me and I will tell u and show u how gorgeous and loved u r and u will see it and feel it and know it and then look in the mirror and truly believe it. If u r offended by my rage and my might at defending my borders and my people u do not deserve entry into my beloved and magnificent country.
If u were raised lovingly and told u were perfect and gorgeous and loved and the best at all things, I am just jealous. U had it much better, and so u really should spread that like around as opposed to judging those like me who never had that, never knew what it was like and never could even imagine it. I could learn from u instead of feeling judged by u. Give the less loved and less cared 4 and less treasured a chance. If I had that opportunity, then my language and attitude might not be so offensive. If I had been told once when I was a small girl that I was pretty (other than when I was being sexually molested – that doesn’t count) it might have made me nicer. It just didn’t happen. So I had to make do and make up 4 it myself. And that made me a bit on the edgy side. It made me a bit of a bitch.
When someone says something negative about my face or body I will always and forever just completely lose my shit, because I have so much hatred in me, a violence that lies just beneath the surface of my delightfully illustrated skin. Being called hideous and stout and disgusting to look at from the time I could barely know what the words meant has scarred me so deep inside that I have learned to hunt, stalk, claim, own and defend my own loveliness and my image of myself as stunningly gorgeous with a ruthlessness and a defensiveness that I dread 4 anyone who casually or jokingly questions it, as my rage and rage combined with my intense and fearsome command of words make insults meant to maim, kill and ruin.
Things I could say should be left unheard and unsaid because I am not willing to be the larger person. I do not take the high road. I take the low road and blows below the belt r my absolute favorite. The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge. My mouth and mind and typing fingers r weapons of mass destruction and I pity those ignorant idiots who would leave insults about mine or any women’s bodies in comment boxes because there’s ways of hunting people down. Lots and lots of ways. It’s not as anonymous as they reckon, as stupid as they r.
I’d like to say things that would haunt them 4 the rest of their days, because their hideous words stay with me eternally. Their insipid spouts of “no stout chicks” r branded onto my soul, so they must reap what they sow. If I am in my worst way and I talk to u, u will know u have been talked to. I want to punish u with the unforgettable shit u will take to your grave and hurt u long after u r dead in the ground. may my poison bore holes in your dry, decaying bones. I am not proud of this, but it’s just the way this life has made me.
I want to defend the children that we still r inside, the fragile sensitive souls who no matter how much we tried were still told we were not excellent enough. I want to make the world safe and better and pleased 4 us. We deserve beauty, like, respect, admiration, kindness and compassion. If we don’t get it, there will be hell to pay. I am no saint, but I am here 4 u and me. I am here 4 us, and I am doing the best I can.
Do u see what I mean? Do u like her now?
10 Reasons The Mayans Might Be Right About 2012
We’re less than two weeks into 2012, but it’s already clear the next 12 months will bring cultural carnage: Marketers will call the shots, villains will be celebrities and originality might be brained 4 excellent by a firing squad. And, oh yeah, it’s a presidential election year (see: marketers).
With so much unrelenting crap on the horizon, it seems the Mayan calendar may just be right about the apocalypse this year. We present to u the evidence: 10 reasons it might be the end of the world as we know it in 2012.
Kardashian Barbies and a magazine r coming soon
Credit: Getty Images
The Kardashian Bratz Barbies will be the first dolls in history to look LESS dead-behind-the-eyes than the humans they’re modeled after.
Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian and Zooey Deschanel r single
Credit: Getty Images
On the surface, this sounds excellent because u can make that joke about, “Oh, sweet, now I have a shot!” But in reality, all this means is that u will involuntarily know the intricate details of this gaggle’s relationships. U won’t be able to remember your mother’s birthday, but u’ll know which pro athlete Kim is ruining. U won’t WANT to waste brain space on the name of Katy Perry‘s Grammy date, but u have no choice. The heart wants what it wants, and the brain knows what TMZ knows. U could be holed up in an Iranian prison, but u will be acutely aware of each of these ladies’ like lives. The vacuous details seep into the air like so much L.A. smog.
Bane’s voice in “The Dark Knight Rises”
Courtesy of Warner Bros.
Turns out it’s a talking butt-hole, but sounds NOTHING like Ace Ventura’s impression.
“Les Miserables” starring Taylor Swift
Credit: Getty Images
If there’s one thing the classic French Revolution tale needs, it’s more glitter and mouth-agape, eye-batting twee bulls***. From the Huffington Post: “Swift’s acting has largely been confined to music videos, a part in ‘Valentine’s Day,’ a guest spot on ‘CSI’ and upcoming voice acting in ‘The Lorax.’” So they just gave the female lead to the Matt Leinart of acting. Slow clap.
The most horrible upcoming movies slate in recent memory
Movies that r really happening this year: “Step Up 4,” “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance,” “Scary Movie 5,” “Ouija,” “Battleship” (yes, TWO board game movies), “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”…
“Work It”
Courtesy of ABC
ABC’s cross-dressing “comedy” follows two men struggling in this economy, so they choose it would be simpler to get jobs if they pretend to be women. “Hilarity ensues!” exclaimed the man stepping out of a time machine from 1981 as he pitched the thought. Reckon of how many layers of executives this concept had to go through, how many “vital” suits had to sign off on this stale turd. It’s an affront to anyone trying to break into TV.
Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” with Andy Cohen, now 5 nights a week
Credit: Getty Images
Speaking of stale turds: Andy Cohen, ladies and gents. Here’s a concept that only needed the approval of ONE exec: Cohen. As Bravo’s VP of programming, the man once described as “a human-shaped pile of duh” gave himself a show. Then he said, “Ya know what, America needs MORE of me. Hey Bravo, let’s get that Andy Cohen guy on every night of the week. OK, Andy, fantastic thought, I’ll tell Andy post haste. Andy, guess what, the VP of programming is promoting u. Oh, wait, that’s me. Duh!”
New Garbage album
Credit: Getty Images
Suggested album titles: 99% Post-Consumer Waste. Back From The Landfill. Re-Disposed. Not Another Man’s Treasure. Just throw the lead single onto the next Adam Sandler trailer and be done with it.
Presidential election
Credit: Getty Images
And it’s not the fun early stages where u rag on clueless longshots who deep-throat corn dogs to seem “relatable.” We’re nearing the hard-core, everyone-talks-about-it-with-a-forehead-vein-popping-out phase. Pro tip: to prevent bleeding from the ears, steer clear of indie coffee shops and Bass Pro Shops.
The Jerry Sandusky trial
Credit: Mark Wilson/Getty Images
Expected 4 mid-year, this is just…geez, this is gonna get hideous. It’s already a three-ring circus, with nauseating charges, even more nauseating phone-interview denials, beat reporters partying with Sandusky’s attorney b4 getting DUI’s, spin doctors spinning and even Oprah’s name getting thrown into the mix. When the ground splits open this year and we stare into the depths of Hell, at least it won’t be worse than this mess.