What were u guys doing back in back in 1999? U know, back when this video was shot. I was sixteen (not much younger than Britney herself), crushing hardcore on this dude from the swim team who already had a girlfriend, and with abs that were just as hot. What’s changed in the thirteen years that’s passed since? Well, I hooked up with the dude from the swim team about five years after the crush had subsided – the girlfriend was an ex-girlfriend by that point – and u know what? It wasn’t as awesome as I’d always imagined. The abs stayed pretty much where they were (OK, not as fantastic as Britney’s eighteen-year-ancient abs, but pretty damned excellent abs 4 a twenty-eight year-ancient mother of one), and generally, things r super. Don’t u just like those middling years and how unpredictable they can be?

Ahem.

Britney, but, is in her own sort of cacophonous mess – sources close to her r saying that her upcoming wedding to Jason Trawick has her in bridezilla mode, and while I can’t exactly see Britney all waving her manicured hands around, ordering people to do this and that (because come on – Brit Brit probably hasn’t had a manicure since her ‘Sometimes’ days), I can know that she could possibly be under a tremendous amount of pressure. From the UK’s Now magazine:

As she tries to prevent a feud breaking out between Jason’s family and hers, the pressure’s bringing her out in spots – which is stressing her out even more!

A friend says: ‘Brit’s been bombarded with instructions on where to have her wedding. Her family’s pushing to have the ceremony in Louisiana, but Jason’s family wants it back East.

‘Britney wanted it in Hawaii or at Elvis’s Graceland estate, but it looks like what she wants has to go on the back burner. She’s flipping out.’

Oh Britney. Let’s just take it simple 4 awhile and remember the easygoing, fun-loving days gone by, OK? Can we just do that 4 a minute, take a breather? Check out the original video below!

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And oh how I wish it were literally instead of figuratively. Life would be just grand. The guy in the video is CM Punk. He’s really kind of hot, he’s well-spoken, and he’s the reigning WWE Champion or something I reckon.

Here’s some of the transcript 4 the above video, in case u can’t view it:

In my world, women r to be revered and respected. And in this life, I firmly believe there r consequences and repercussions 4 people’s actions and I don’t reckon Chris has paid 4 what he’s done. Picking up trash on the side of a highway does not make amends 4 repeatedly striking a woman in her face and sending her to a hospital. Now Chris wants to throw stones my way. And that’s fine. But place some gloves on and get in the ring. I will choke u out, and I will make u feel as weak and powerless and frightened and alone as any woman that has had the misfortune of knowing a sad, cowardly small boy such as yourself.

Yes, Chris indeed wants to throw stones in this guy’s direction. Because he’s got HUGE BALLS, I’m assuming. HUGE ENOUGH BALLS to beat the snot out of a woman who’s stupid enough to probably say, “Tee hee, we were young and stupid, but now we’re older and stupid and SEX SEX ABUSE IS HOT BUY MY NEW ALBUM.”

How’d this all start, u wonder? Punk fired off a tweet on Monday night that looked something like this:

I would like @chrisbrown to fight somebody that can defend themselves.

Chris then retorted:

@CMpunk needs more followers. He’s such a leader! Not to mention the roids hes on has made it utterly impossible 4 him pleasure a women.

@CMpunk contact my assistant and I’ll have em send u an autographed pic 4 my largest FAN!!!

So, classy right? Normally I’d say, “Ooh, this CM wrestler guy is really taking potshots in order to get his name in the news, ’cause I’ve never heard of him b4,” but after examining myself long and hard, guys, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m completely OK with it. Potshot away, folks. Maybe we, together, can knock some sense into the repeat commenters on websites much like this one to avoid making stupid-ass quips like “Chris Brown is hawt, he can beat me any day hur duh bur duh bur.”

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Something tells me this may be an X Factor contestant with a right chance at stardom. Columbia Records, the mark home of Adele and Glee, has signed 14 year ancient phenomenon Rachel Crow to a recording contract. In addition, she has also been signed by the Nickelodeon cable network which is building a pilot 4 a potential new series around her. Rachel Crow will also appear in a recurring role in the network’s comedy Fred: The Show. She says of the recording contract, “To reckon that I am signed to the same mark as my idols is a dream come right. I can’t wait to get in the studio and start making music.” Rachel Crow first performed in public at the age of six 4 her school’s talent show.

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